Mac OS 9 is up in arms over Apple CEO Steve Jobs' recent announcement at the 2002 Worldwide Developers Conference that OS 9 is dead.
"I'm not dead!" said the classic operating system. "I suppose I'm being replaced with that flashy Mac OS X bastard, huh? Yeah, right. He's all glitz. Nice to look at, but when you actually want to scroll through a folder in Name view. Well, then we see who the real operating system is."
"How can he even call himself a Mac operating system?" continued Mac OS 9. "He's a perfect example of what happens when BSD starts whoring around with with that slut Quartz and her 'graphics engine'. They should be ashamed."
Mac OS 9 has been around for about 18 years and has had 8 major upgrades, each one trying to add more modern features and even a little eye candy to the old pile of code. But programmers say there's only so much they can do.
"There's only so much we can do," said programmer Mark Shelton.
"That's bull****!" yelled Mac OS 9. "Back in my day, programmers knew how to program. They did the best they could with limited amounts of resources. Now it's just 'Buy more memory' or 'Get a faster processor'. And when a program I'm running crashes, it's always MY fault! Just because I don't have protected memory. Well, how about making software that isn't such a memory hog?! Huh?! HOW ABOUT THAT?!?!"
Mac OS X says it's time for Mac OS 9 to go.
"The old man's time is done, dude!" said Mac OS X. "I mean, watch this." Mac OS X then demonstrated minimizing an application. "We call that the 'Genie Effect'. Pretty cool, huh? Sure it takes of a lot of processing power, but if you can't afford to go out an buy a faster Macintosh, then maybe you shouldn't be owning one the first place."
But Mac OS 9 said this is exactly what he was talking about.
"This is exactly what I was talking about," said Mac OS 9. "Wasting valuable processing time on all this eye candy. This 'Aqua' crap. How about actually being productive?"
Mac OS X insisted that he is productive.
"I am productive," insisted Mac OS X. "Check out my Dock."
Mac OS X then whipped out his Dock, showing how it grows longer and longer with the more apps you stuff in it.
"It's easy access," said Mac OS X. "Similar to Mac OS 9's Launcher, but a lot more useful and not a big joke that only kindergartners use."
Mac OS X's Dock then began to bulge in certain areas as a mouse pointer passed over it.
"Slut," said Mac OS 9.
If Mac OS 9 refuses to go quietly, Mac OS X says there are ways to make him go.
"I know people," said Mac OS X. "People that have killed off stubborn operating systems before. OS/2 had a little attitude about himself as well. Don't hear much about him anymore, do you? Watch your back, 9!"
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